Wandering off to a higher vantage point, I sit myself down on a movie theater style fold up chair. Lights down low, illuminating lights from the stage. Guitar notes strung, piano keys pressed giving a melodious tune. Voices hum setting the tone. Worship begins. I close my eyes separating myself from it all. Mind racing, I search for ways to shut it off. Folded hands, I sift through the thoughts lifting them up in prayer. Yet still I am restless. This anxious tick won’t stop ticking. I feel like I am about to explode. Ears attentive to the singing voices, yet no words soothe. Just breathe. What is wrong with me?
Drifting down the stairs, I make my way back to friends. I sit with knees curled tight to my chest. Quiet voices echo as the stage empties. Friends laughing with one another, giving each other a knowing look of a joke just shared. I look forward, a small smile on my face, pretending I am a part of it all. Inside, mind alert searching for any indication that I am still loved; still wanted by them. Protective jealousy stirs up anger on one friend for another. As if I am the only one who can have the attention on her. Pulling the knees tighter against my chest, I look down in shame and disgust. What is wrong with me?
The speaker begins to speak. Words of depth and conviction are spoken over the crowd. And when he is finished, people are asked to step forward to help hand out prayer cards and pens. They make their rounds. It gets to me. I am handed three cards and three pens to pass down. Looking over I see my friends already have some coming from the other end. So I sit. An abundance of prayer cards and pens in hand. And my mind is finally blank. I know what the speaker asked of us, but my hands don’t move. I have nothing in mind to write. I stare at my hand full of pens. And then amidst the blank state of my mind, an image of a woman sketched comes to it. My hand that loves to sketch longs to draw the image. But I know I am not that skilled, always looking better in my mind than in actual execution. Yet this sketched woman still comes, persistent. The detail is so magnificent; you can just tell the dedication and precise strokes it took to make. Not just a willy nilly sketch on the back of your notebook, but one that is in the works of becoming a Mona Lisa. And I just knew. God was speaking right to my heart.
When you spend your whole life amounting yourself up to a willy nilly sketch on the back of a notebook, its kind of hard to accept that God is making you into a Mona Lisa. And when you ask yourself at least a dozen times a day “What is wrong with me?” its kind of hard to grasp that every aspect of you was deeply thought out with immense dedication and precise stroke lines. The God of the universe thought of me? Made me? And fearfully and wonderfully might I add! What? The God almighty loves me fiercely and without end? How? Why? Did He not just see the disgusting thoughts I had toward my friend? Did He not just see how I couldn’t even take ten minutes to praise Him because I was so consumed with self thoughts? Does He not know of the lust and pride and deeply disturbing thoughts I am tempted with? Can He not see that I am filthy, that I am so unworthy? Can He not see?
But He does see. He sees Mona Lisa. He sees the masterpiece He is making of me. I am the one who cannot see. Yet He gave me a glimpse. He gave me hope. Hope in knowing that I am not stuck in my filth and shame. Hope that despite it all His love will remain unending; that nothing I do can screw that up. My worth is not based on peoples opinions or even the opinions I have of myself. My worth is solely based on the fact that I am made by a God who is greater than this world and all it tries to tell me of who I am. What I am is loved. Wanted. Known. Beautiful. I am a Mona Lisa in the making; a masterpiece in the works. I am His.
We are all Mona Lisa’s in the making. It may be a long process, but none the less it is leading to a masterpiece. God is not done with you. He is creating you with such detail and dedication. Let Him work. Watch what He does. His love can do some pretty amazing things if we can just learn to sit back and let it happen. Surrender. Let Love in.
God Bless,
Love,
theblessingsgirl
theblessingsgirl 